6 MONTHS
Wow, can’t believe that the last time I wrote a post was when I was 7 weeks in, and now I am 6 months into motherhood! Where do I begin?
Life has felt like a roller coaster. For the most part it has been filled with beautiful moments, that bring me so much happiness. I absolutely love watching my baby girl grow up. I love having family and the friends that are still here in this journey share core memories with us. I love everything about my curious baby girl, the bond that I have with my husband, seeing his relationship with Ilse flourish, and just about everything about motherhood. I could go on and on and on about how much love I have for this journey… but the small part that I don’t like to admit is that I miss my old life. I am finally out of the “newborn fog”, and even the dreamy state that pregnancy is, beginning to face the reality that I am a totally different person from who I was last year, and I did not know that this would effect me so much, that I would be mourning who I was…
Before Ilse, I will admit I was living a very privileged life of a 20 something year old woman- beach at sunset with my girls, getting tipsy and dancing the night away, and brunch on Sundays. I was going on solo trips, and even planned Peru to take place in July of 2022. I could go to the restroom whenever I wanted, eat when hungry, watch anything on TV, leave my house, take my dog Bruno on walks, and sleep… oh how I value all of this, but SLEEP… what people don’t tell you is that even if the baby goes to sleep, you can’t… and my issue is that I have anxiety thinking that baby girl is going to wake up as soon as I close my eyes, or if she is okay.
I am coming into this new person now. I am so lucky to have the support of my husband and family, to feel all of the feelings that come with being a new mom. Raising a baby takes an absolute village. Support from all sides, and I would be lying if I said that I am not scared to admit that I have a counselor I see regularly, a baby sitter who comes a couple of hours a week, and honestly the privilege to ask for help when I am struggling. We are taught that to be a good mom you have to have all of answers, be absolutely selfless, and that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and I fell into this trap. I struggle and have had many moments of wanting to run away, feeling overstimulated, exhausted, sad, etc. mixed in with a crazy unconditional love that I have never felt in my life for this small human I created. Motherhood is not easy, but finding time for myself has helped with the transition. It’s 5am as I am writing this, when the house is quiet, everyone is still sleeping, and I get the chance to be me, and explore who this new version of Mel is…
If you are feeling the same way, just know you are not alone. I am sending you so much love!
Mel
