6 MONTHS

Wow, can’t believe that the last time I wrote a post was when I was 7 weeks in, and now I am 6 months into motherhood! Where do I begin?

Life has felt like a roller coaster. For the most part it has been filled with beautiful moments, that bring me so much happiness. I absolutely love watching my baby girl grow up. I love having family and the friends that are still here in this journey share core memories with us. I love everything about my curious baby girl, the bond that I have with my husband, seeing his relationship with Ilse flourish, and just about everything about motherhood. I could go on and on and on about how much love I have for this journey… but the small part that I don’t like to admit is that I miss my old life. I am finally out of the “newborn fog”, and even the dreamy state that pregnancy is, beginning to face the reality that I am a totally different person from who I was last year, and I did not know that this would effect me so much, that I would be mourning who I was…

Before Ilse, I will admit I was living a very privileged life of a 20 something year old woman- beach at sunset with my girls, getting tipsy and dancing the night away, and brunch on Sundays. I was going on solo trips, and even planned Peru to take place in July of 2022. I could go to the restroom whenever I wanted, eat when hungry, watch anything on TV, leave my house, take my dog Bruno on walks, and sleep… oh how I value all of this, but SLEEP… what people don’t tell you is that even if the baby goes to sleep, you can’t… and my issue is that I have anxiety thinking that baby girl is going to wake up as soon as I close my eyes, or if she is okay.

I am coming into this new person now. I am so lucky to have the support of my husband and family, to feel all of the feelings that come with being a new mom. Raising a baby takes an absolute village. Support from all sides, and I would be lying if I said that I am not scared to admit that I have a counselor I see regularly, a baby sitter who comes a couple of hours a week, and honestly the privilege to ask for help when I am struggling. We are taught that to be a good mom you have to have all of answers, be absolutely selfless, and that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and I fell into this trap. I struggle and have had many moments of wanting to run away, feeling overstimulated, exhausted, sad, etc. mixed in with a crazy unconditional love that I have never felt in my life for this small human I created. Motherhood is not easy, but finding time for myself has helped with the transition. It’s 5am as I am writing this, when the house is quiet, everyone is still sleeping, and I get the chance to be me, and explore who this new version of Mel is…

If you are feeling the same way, just know you are not alone. I am sending you so much love!

Mel

Do your boobs hurt?

Hello World!

Help me welcome week 7 of motherhood where I am completely raw and vulnerable about my journey thus far! Baby girl is crying right now, and the only thing that is phasing me is that my nipples are so sore when she cries. She is being taken care of while I am in bed at the moment writing this blog since this is a little bit of “me time” that I get. Here I go over-explaining myself about what I am doing with “me time” for it to feel like I am not a bad mom. I could be out running errands, grabbing lunch, but I am so incredibly exhausted so staying home and writing something before I nap or pump sounds like a better use of my time.

Do all mothers suffer from “mom guilt”? I have always felt anxious with the way people think of me, but man when you become a mom it feels like the whole world is looking at you, even when that’s not true. When I first had my daughter, I was incredibly eager to breastfeed. That all changed the moment she came out and her latch was intense; I felt my nipples tearing apart, it was traumatizing and I would cringe every time it was feeding time, which was every hour. I gave it a solid 4 weeks, going into my lactation specialist office and asking for help, and her analyzing, and finally telling me she wouldn’t blame me if I wanted to stop. I cried so much during this process, but finally one day during week 4, I looked at my little girl screaming her head off while on my boob, and asked her… “are you ready to be done my love”? I knew we were both over this journey, and just because I stopped breastfeeding didn’t mean that I wouldn’t bond with my little one any less. I hate that no one talks about how difficult it is too breastfeed, and how unnatural it feels to be a mom sometimes…

As a mom, I have quickly learned how to surrender. My ideologies before becoming a mom have completely gone out the door, good or bad I think that’s bound to happen, and is completely normal. I surrendered to changing my perspective on breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, and it has helped my mental health tremendously. My little girl is now 12pounds at 7 weeks and is growing quick, just because I made the decisions to stop breastfeeding doesn’t mean that my baby girl is not getting the same nutrition and antibodies from me. Pumping and supplementing with formula has been a life saver for us, and the sooner we stop glamorizing breastfeeding the sooner it will help so many mothers feel okay with their situations. After all, a fed baby is a happy baby, and in turn they will have happy parents.

Sending so much love.

Mel

Life RECENTLY

Hello World!

I have been really thinking about how I would use this website to express myself, as I have gone through so many changes in the last three years. They call it the Saturn return, or just the Covid 19 pandemic regardless it has been a rough, but beautiful journey. I feel like everyone went through the ride of the pandemic; whether it was getting a divorce, breaking up, finding the love of your life, finding yourself, going on a spiritual retreat, or having the many “pandemic babies” that there were. I can empathize, because I went through most of what is listed above.

After 6 months of sitting at home at the age of 27, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I was so over all of my bullshit and the lack of love I had for myself. I started to follow all of the breadcrumbs of life advice. One of which was signing up for the Hoffman Institute, and later telling my husband about it. He signed up as well, for the session that would take place a week later. We started to go to church again, reconnecting to God. It was something that I needed in my life, and brought a sense of peace amongst the chaos. On one of those Sundays, I found out I was pregnant… and that’s where the journey really starts.

I will be going deeper into each one of these parts of my life, and use this blog as a way to express myself. I’m not sure how it’ll manifest, I still love food, but I figured I have this domain, and I want to share, maybe it’ll help someone along the way as well.

Signing off for now, since baby is about to wake up, but thank you for reading.

Love,

Mel